Heath Bell Is Awesome

We at Fonzie Forever have always liked Heath Bell. He's one of my favorite Mets of all time. We once had a great conversation with Heath Bell, which can be the subject of one of our future posts.

Today however, I am going to post an excerpt from an interview that Heath did with Yahoo Sports yesterday. In it, he sounds suspiciously like one of my favorite fictional characters of all time, Crash Davis from the movie Bull Durham.

In the movie, Crash (who is played by Kevin Costner) is asked by Susan Sarandon's character "what do you believe in, then?" He replies:

Crash: Well, I believe in the soul. The ****. The ****. The small of a woman's back. The hanging curveball. High fiber. Good scotch. That the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. I believe there ought to be a Constitution Amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas eve. And I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days...Goodnight.

In context, it is an absolutely amazing rant. It comes at a great part of the movie, it's delivered with real passion. And it's 100% manly and awesome.

I'm not sure whether Heath Bell purposely emulates Crash, whether it's in his subconscious, or whether he is just independently awesome, but he touches upon a lot of those same issues in his interview:

DB: Do you have any conspiracy theories? Like, "The CIA killed JFK," or "We never really landed on the moon"?

Bell: I don't think Harvey Oswald acted alone. I do think we landed on the moon, but I have a speculation as to why we've never gone back. But I really think that UFOs are true and the government's hiding that. And I think the best pitch in baseball is a curveball and everybody else says it's a slider.

* * *

DB: Isn't a sinker just a fastball that ... ?

Bell: Moves? Then what's a cutter? It's a fastball that moves. It's not a slider that's harder. ... And I do believe in National League rules. I don't think there should be a DH.

So aside from the "adult" stuff, Heath spontaneously touched on almost all the topics. Here are some other gems from the interview:

Bell: No. I don't have anything. I'm not a fun guy. I'm not a fan favorite. People in San Diego don't even know who I am. That's why I grow funny things on my face. That's why I run in from the bullpen so quickly, so as not to be seen. I'm in disguise. I'm a big secret.

DB: Speaking of hair on the face. Do you have an opinion on Jayson Werth's(notes) beard?

Bell: Jayson Werth's beard? Yeah. Whoa [laughs]! I didn't know that Philly was in the wilderness. He's definitely an outdoorsman.

DB: He says he likes to hunt. Bow and arrow. He just started.

Bell: Well, he definitely has the look. Is he married?

DB: Yeah. He has two kids.

Bell: I want that wife. Mine's like, "You have to trim this, you have to trim that." I need a wife like that.
***
DB: You didn't sign with the Devil Rays after they drafted you in '97 ...

Bell: Well, in the 69th round, I wasn't really into that position.
***
DB: If the camo uniforms are so cool, how come we can see you?

Bell: I wish they'd make my butt look smaller. We don't wear camo pants. Well, we're in the city and we're using jungle camo. If we had urban camo, you definitely wouldn't see us. We don't wear urban camo, we wear jungle, so we look like a bunch of plants running around.