Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Prediction: Pain?

Oh boy was that weird! Jason Bay's press conference didn't feature a single "WTF" moment - Omar Minaya didn't accuse any reporter of wanting his job; the announcement came at an hour when the majority of the fanbase were awake (sorry again stoners) - I guess Minaya can only be made fun of for using the words "patience" and "fundamental" too much. (And he was made of. Oh yes.) And to Mr. Bay's credit, he didn't come out in a full-body cast. I was half expecting that. What I was fully expecting was Bay to deflect questions about his obvious trepidation in wanting to play for the Mets, and that's exactly what happened. Below I provide JB's responses from today's press conference, along with what Bay's answer would have been had he found himself dancing with lady Sodium Pentathol before he stepped up to the podium.

”We already had an agreement before Christmas. I was in Canada and we had to wait out the holiday so we could actually all get together. It may look like it took longer than it did, but in reality it was pretty quick.”

I know that it was reported two weeks before Christmas was when I was offered this contract, but you guys forget two weeks goes by really fast. I mean, you sleep for a third of that time. Another third is at that day job you hate. And when you take away eating, talking with friends and family, showering, shaving, it's really like, five minutes. Took me five minutes to sign. Yup. Besides, nobody was around! I figured SOMEBODY in the Mets organization would be in New York during the holidays or willing to come see me in Canada, but no such luck. Omar Minaya said he never even heard of Canada. Jeff Wilpon's phone doesn't get service on Bernie Madoff's secret island, and he said he wouldn't be able to go back there for much longer, so we had to wait. It was cool hearing my favorite sportscaster Mike Francesa announce the signing anyway. He's so much better without the Mad Dog!

“That couldn’t be further from the truth. The Mets were always on my short list. I wouldn’t have signed the contract if I didn’t want to be here. This is the biggest day in my life, and I am very excited to be a New York Met.”

I wanted to go back to Boston, but those schmucks wouldn't pony up and signed Mike Cameron instead. My choices were down to sign with the Mets or take up my beloved hockey again. I knew it was something like twenty years since I last skated competitively but I was desperate. I bought some skates and bought goalie equipment for my wife. We went up to the homeland and I practiced for the entire fortnight, but I still couldn't score on the misses. One night over dinner I let out a really long sigh, and before my wife could ask what's wrong I tried to kill myself by choking on my meal. After the heimlich was performed I resigned myself to the fact that I was going to be a Met. Five minutes later my insurance company dropped my coverage. So here I am.

“I know that I’m no Torii Hunter, but I can play a solid defense. I’m not worried about the spacious CitiField, Pittsburgh was just as spacious.”

Listen, I was signed because I can actually hit home runs once in awhile. I keep hearing my left field compares to Todd Hundley. Wasn't he a catcher? You guys had Daniel Murphy and Gary Sheffield in left last year; the bar isn't set too high. And come on in Pittsburgh it's pretty spacious - particularly in the stands hahaha. Losers.

“I never hurt my shoulder. I read all those rumors and had no idea where they were coming from. It took on a life of it’s own. My shoulder is 100% and is not even a concern now or ever.”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. There is no God. Oh sweet the diazepam is kicking in. Okay. Now I can stand in comfort. And don't get me started on my shoulders.

On the bright side that "easily attainable" fifth year vesting option doesn't seem particularly "easily attainable" if our worst fears about his knees and shoulders come true: "600 plate appearances in 2013 or 500 plate appearances in both the 2012 and 2013 seasons." Optimism is the new black.

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